


paranoia

by shxnji



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Paranoia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-23 00:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8306120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shxnji/pseuds/shxnji
Summary: Shinji has an anxiety attack and rethinks his relationship with Kaworu.





	

**par·a·noi·a**  
ˌperəˈnoiə/  
 _noun_  
a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.

 

  
In some ways, Shinji thinks it's worse than anxiety. Well, paranoia brings anxiety, or does anxiety bring on paranoia? It doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it's the most horrible feeling in the world.

"Kaworu, do you love me?" Shinji asks over the phone.  
"Of course, my sweet," his lover replies, laughing softly. Falsely. Fake. Fake laugh. False laugh. Not real.

"Um... Are you okay?" Shinji asks.  
"Of course, my love," his lover replies again.

_He's lying I know he's not telling the truth he's just saying that so I don't worry he's going to hurt himself I can't do anything he's going to kill himself I can't do anything I can't do anything I can't do anythin g  I_

He hangs up.

Shinji's head is spinning and he doesn't know what reality is anymore.  
Who's lying?  
Who's telling the truth?  
Who can he trust?  
It's loud, it's loud, it's _loud_.

Suddenly he's on his hands and knees on the hard wooden floor gasping for air as his trembling limbs struggle to hold his weight. Gravity wins, and he comes tumbling down. His nose cracks against the floor. Ouch.  
Shinji barely even notices the blood gushing from his nostrils when he finally manages to sit upright. Has the room always tilted like this? He feels nauseous.

Nauseous. Nausea. _Feeling_. Nose bleed? Pain. It _hurts_. Reality? Is he awake?  
Ah, there's vomit on the floor.

Shinji wants his knight in shining armor to come save him but he's away from home.   
Alone. Abandoned. Father. Past boyfriend. Mother. Dead. Dead, death, Kaworu could _die_ —

 

  
**pan·ic**  
ˈpanik/  
 _noun_  
sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.

 

  
Shinji's lungs suddenly forgot how to work. His chest shudders but he can't seem to get any air in. His throat feels tight and his heart is racing so fast he fears it might burst.

Panic. Fear. Panic. Panic attack—oh.

He's trembling so hard he can't even reach for the table to pull himself up. He's stuck, looking pathetic in the small pool of blood and vomit he had so graciously created. Pathetic. Yes, that was the perfect word. Pathetic and selfish and weak.

Kaworu.

Shinji's stomach lurched. The nausea and agonizing physical pain he felt when he thought about losing Kaworu is enough to kill him. How long could he keep doing this? His mental illness is eating him up and Shinji is trying so, so desperately to change something but then his stupid fucking thoughts get in the way and he _PANICS_.

 

 

**dis·so·ci·a·tion**  
diˌsōSHēˈāSH(ə)n,diˌsōsēˈāSH(ə)n/  
 _noun_  
separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality.

 

Hours pass. Time? Minutes. Seconds. Everything was moving so fast just a moment ago, but gradually things stilled and now they were slower than ever.  
Ah, this is ridiculous. The anxiety is so completely overwhelming that Shinji feels dizzyingly calm. It's like he's separated from his body, and now he is looking at another person. A pathetic person. That's not him, it's someone else.  
What's real? He has no hands.   
Who's Kaworu? He doesn't know him.  
Who's Shinji? Someone else.  
The Shinji Ikari in his mind is so far away that he can't seem to even remember what he looks like.

He's not dead nor alive. What is he? A ghost? Not even that.

What's real?  
 _Nothing_.

He frowns. Was his face slick with tears or blood? Maybe both.  
Face. He has a face.  
Floor. He's on the floor.  
He. Him. _Shinji Ikari_.  
Shinji Ikari is dizzy and then everything's black.

 

  
**ex·haus·tion**  
iɡˈzôsCH(ə)n/  
 _noun_  
1.  
a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue.

 

  
Shinji wakes up in bed. The sheets against his bare skin are cool. Turning, he sees that Kaworu is laying next to him, his face serene under the spell of unconsciousness.  
Kaworu. Next to him. _Safe_.  
Overwhelmed with the sudden urge to be near his lover, he crawls towards him and presses himself as close to Kaworu as possible. His body trembles as he's overcome with emotion.

_He can't lose Kaworu he's going to lose Kaworu he has to be strong he has to be there for him he can't let his emotions get in the way he has to keep Kaworu safe—_

No. He can't panic again.  
Panic. Calm. _Breathe_.  
He holds his breath, then slowly moves away to his side of the bed. Everything is okay right? But... what if Kaworu has a nightmare?

_Breathe. Breathe._

He takes one last look at Kaworu, then pulls the covers over his head. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> this was kind of a vent thing so it's all jumbled, i was just sort of trying to put my thoughts down.


End file.
